I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize