The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize