Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We are all done wearing pants today
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
