He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
