so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
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