fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize