She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
