Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
