Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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