I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
