Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
