After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
