i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
