im six kinds of drunk right now
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize