My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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