I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize