Just fell off a train. Bad.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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