my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
