I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize