there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
being pregnant is like rehab
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
