Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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