I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
