Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
