Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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