1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
