can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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