Cold hands, warm shart.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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