just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
