I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
