No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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