I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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