mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
