I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize