walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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