if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Found your dick twin last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
