someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
