Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
