My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
operation harelip BJ is a go
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
