When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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