so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
