I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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