my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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