I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
