She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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