I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
