this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
