dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
home. puking in laundry basket.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
