i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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