Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize