Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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