I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
