I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
