found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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