I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
