I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
