I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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