Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
