the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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