If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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