Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
