i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
