I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
