what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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