also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
