I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
