how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
