No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
