Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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