there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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