I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
